Zombies. They’re everywhere. They’re on TV, they’re in films and there are books about them too. Zombies are so in right now. Right now? I think they’ve always been.
But what would happen in the event of a zombie apocalypse?
If you laughed at that statement and said “But, dude, zombies aren’t even real,” then you need to think again.
The threat of a zombie apocalypse is not necessarily imminent, but it’s very real indeed.
And while you’re laughing at this, others are preparing for it, so come with me if you want to live…
Now you’re a bit less sceptical what can you do to prepare?
Do your research
I’m not saying The Walking Dead is a documentary because it very obviously isn’t, but watch it. Watch I Am Legend, read Stephen King’s The Stand. The more information you can get the better. Just because these are all works of fiction doesn’t mean they weren’t well-researched. They’ll all give you the feel of what to expect. Don’t wait until the apocalypse starts to do this research or it will be a bit like watching Alive whilst on a plane.
Prepare a survival kit
You need a kit that’s ready to go ASAP because who knows how soon the zombie apocalypse will strike? You’ll need bottled water, tinned food, a comprehensive first aid kit and most importantly, a weapon – a gun ideally. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who can get a gun, no questions asked. No? Just me then.
Be physically fit
Take it easy on the pies, champ. You’re going to need to be in top physical form if you’re going to survive and help repopulate the planet (Know what I mean? Wink, wink). Take regular exercise like CrossFit, running or bodybuilding and maybe drink a bit less too. I know, I’m a real party pooper.
Get a suit
No, not a typical whistle and flute, me old china, I’m talking about a radiation suit. When the apocalypse comes, we won’t know what’s caused it, but it could be spread as an airborne virus. You’ll want a fully protective suit for such an eventuality. It’s not a fashion show, so don’t worry that it looks ridiculous on the high street. The zombies won’t care. You know what’s more ridiculous? Being dead because zombies have eaten your brain.
So now you’re prepared. The apocalypse can come any time it damn well likes. What do you do when it hits?
Zombie-proof your house
Board up windows and barricade doors to stop the undead entering. It is unknown if pouring urine around the perimeter of your residence will deter them, but it can’t do any harm.
Take the car
Sure, you can just run zombies over if they get in your way. Make sure you have a full tank of petrol though as you wouldn’t want to get stranded. As more people become infected and petrol becomes short driving may become impossible due to the high number of abandoned vehicles which will be blocking roads. Electric scooters or Segways are not recommended for the zombie apocalypse due to the fact that despite humanity being under threat you will still have your pride.
Head for high ground
If it’s no longer safe at home head for the hills. Zombies are notoriously poor climbers and height would give you an advantage. Also if they do figure out how to climb, a high vantage point is great for throwing things at them. Choose a high place with a wealth of projectiles.
Wait for the authorities to fix it
I know, we can’t trust “The Man”, right? But in this situation we’ll pretty much have to. It’s unlikely everyone will become a zombie overnight and once a few have been observed there will be full investigations into what caused it, how it spreads, etc. To be fair, this is a real long shot.
Take matters into your own hands
If you are in a situation where you are under attack from a zombie, aim to decapitate or dismember. Sounds harsh but a swift jab with a shovel should do the job and give you enough time to escape. If you’re hunting zombies always go for the brain.
At first while there is still electricity food shouldn’t be a problem, but eventually supermarket freezers will stop working and food will melt or go out of date. Grab what you can. Once it gets to this stage looting will be commonplace, but be careful in a supermarket. Always have an exit strategy in case some of the undead turn up.
Find like-minded people
If films have taught us anything it’s that in a situation like this lots of people will be fleeing towns and meet up. Together you can form plans of what to do and how to re-establish society once all the zombies are dead. You’ll probably have a conflict with one of these people, another is a potential love interest and at least one of you will become infected with the zombie virus. Hang on, I’ve watched too many films, haven’t I?
It will be a long road back to civilization from the zombie apocalypse, but you can make it if you keep your wits about you.
Boffins have a different opinion. Yes, actual scientist people in laboratories with white coats and clipboards have given the matter some very serious thought.
They believe that in as little as three months humans could be outnumbered by zombies by as much as a million to one. That’s quite a hair-raising statistic. And the prognosis gets worse with the full extinction of humankind possible in less than a year from the first infected people.
But, if uninfected humans were wily enough and adapted to the conditions quickly they could wipe out all the zombies in under three years and re-establish a society within a quarter of a century.
That sounds like a lot of work and maybe you’ll prefer death, but it could be you’re the one whose destiny it is to save us all.